All Time Low

I have reached a new found low here in Thailand. I have never felt so helpless in my entire life. I am hoping to look back at this time in the future and see how much these problems changed me and helped me grow. At the present time, however, it is very difficult to project that far seeing that every experience I have had, including my exciting trip to the beaches of Pattaya, have been dampened by the unresolved problems and feeling of insecurity that loom over me wherever I go. Whatever I do, wherever I go... my heart feels very emtpy and my sadness is beginning to turn into anger.

I am trying very hard to focus on the good things that are happening in Thailand- for instance, last week Rotary invited the inbounds to go to Pattaya, a tourist town on the coast of the Gulf of Thailand. We were able to spend a great deal of time exploring the city, and I was able to see the blue ocean for the first time since arriving in Thailand. We were instructed a few days in advance via facebook what we would be conducting a sort of show to raise money for the floods. Because of the lack of preparation, the show ended up being a complete disaster- We had no idea what to do, and it was a complete embarrassment. We did end up raising around 1,800USD.

I also had the opportunity to talk with the district governor about my situation- he asked me if I was being fed. He asked me if I had a house to live in... I answered yes, and he concluded that everything was okay. Before leaving he said that after the kings birthday he will talk with me again... I'm hoping something can be done?  Overall the trip was a nice break from my rural life in Ubon.

The day I arrived home to my counselors house, he informed me that in a few hours I would be moving to a new host family. I was pretty shocked that I was moving so soon- after living there for only a week. I tried to be chill about it and smile and say okay- but I had no idea where I was going or why. On the inside I was very torn. Many questions were racing through my mind- why don't they communicate anything with me? Why am I moving? Where am I going? Is this Thai culture? Is this normal? Should I be worried? Did I do something wrong? Who decided I would move?

 At 5pm I stood ready for my host dad to pick me up... after waiting for an hour, I called him and of course, he forgot about me. So an hour later I was on my way to my next host family. The constant moving, the constant lateness, and the carefree (in my mind careless) lifestyle made me (and continues to make me) feel extremely uncomfortable. These people who "take care of me" are Rotarians yes... But should I trust them? I continue to wonder.

I arrived in the city and was dropped off at the house I will be staying at for the next 4 months. As I turned to say goodbye to my host dad of one week, I found him already gone. So much for a goodbye.  I learned that I will be staying with the family whose daughter is currently living at my house in the United States. The family consists of a mother, father, and 2 brothers. The two brothers will be going back to school in Bangkok however. I also was informed that due to the fact that there are no host families available, i will be living with a Brazilian exchange student for the rest of the year.

The family is absolutely amazing- very kind, hardworking, and understanding. They are part of the other club in Ubon though, and currently the two clubs in my town are disputing. They are blaming eachother for not helping eachother with the exchange students, they are fighting about transportation problems, they are not communicating. That makes me feel very bad because I am the source of the "problem." Me moving away from my first host family messed things up for Rotary- it was an unwanted problem that they did not want to have to deal with- and now they are struggling to find something to do with me, struggling to fix the problem and save their faces. I feel vunerable because I am now in a way "part" of this club, but still receive my monthly stipend from the other club, and am supposed to go to my original club with questions or concerns. I have been living these past few days with a very heavy heart because this situation is interwoven with delicate cultural aspects that inhibit progress from happening. I am safe- yes. I am fed- yes. I have a place to stay- yes. Do I feel like I am on exchange? ... I guess I am sharing one with another exchange student.

I am desperately hoping that this is just a low point of my exchange. It is just about month 4 and Hopefully things will start looking up. I can't help but to think back to my exchange in Germany, however, and not recall a single moment feeling the way I do now. I felt secure there. I felt like I had loving parents who I could talk to anything about, I felt like I had a reliable Rotary club that I could come to with concerns, and I knew that I had a strong district that could resolve ANY problem promptly and with understanding. I reitterate- the last thing I want to be is a complaining exchange student. I know Rotary has hundreds of problems to deal with, and I do not want to be selfish. I want to make that clear. I have never come to Rotary with any problem- I have endured tough times on my own, I remember everything that I learned in preparation. But in all honesty- I am lost right now. I'm beginning to believe that maybe all of this mess is just typical Thai culture and I should adapt to it. If this is the fact, then I would recommend to any exchanging districts around the world to not send any exchange students here until the program in this country has organized itself, has properly screened host families, has built up a problem solving base of Rotarians to help and encourage students, and has provided simple and effective communication between exchange student, host family, host club, and district.

As of now, that is my opinion. I post everything on my blog- the good and the bad. I also want to remind anyone reading that I still strongly believe in this beautiful organization. Life happens- On exchange and not on exchange. I firmly believe it is these problems, and the conquering of these problems will cause the most growth during exchange. Rotary is a wonderful exchange program, and I would recommend it to everyone. I also mean no disrespect on my district in Thailand. I am honored to be allowed to learn about your culture in your country. I am thankful for the activities that you plan for my amusment, and I hope that we can work together and ultimateltly understand eachother better in the end.

Much love from Thailand. I am truckin' through this tough time, and I will continue to truck. I don't hope for better times. I demand better times. I am the leading force of my happiness and I will work every day to find happiness in the smallest of things.